Time

Yesterday was (seemingly) the last physical evidence of my miscarriage.
Yesterday was my last appointment with the Midwives and OB/GYN.
It was a bittersweet day.
I am thankful that everything has seemingly gone back to normal.
Yet I feel that time is stealing at every second.
I feel I am getting farther and farther away from the joy of pregnancy I experienced for such a short time and the necessary mourning I trotted through as I lost the triplets.
Yesterday was the physical end of my experience of being 1 in 4.
1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage or pregnancy loss.
So often it seems unfair that it happened to my husband and I.
But I am constantly reminded that I am not seeking 'babies'.
It's not about being a mother or having a baby.
It's more specific.
It's about my children, not just a baby.
Specifically, I lost my children and their future on Earth was stolen.
This is the part that cuts the deepest.
But at the same times, makes it surprisingly easy to see other children, other newborns and new mothers and be at peace.
Knowing that they do not hold my children.
They are not kissing my children, playing games with my children or singing to my children.
My husband and I are merely waiting for the time when we meet our children. All of them.
I love the song that I posted above. Every time I hear it play, I am reminded of this imperishable yearning to be with my children. To bear them and to rear them. It's as if I was born and crafted to be their mother. This is what I am anxious for.