Strength is sacrifice

I consider myself someone who believes in the core values of feminism. 

Empowerment, justice, quality education and equality for all women.

However, I find myself grimacing at the way feminism has been represented.

I often see that many 'feminist' say they advocate for choices for women, yet they seem to only affirm one type of feminism.

The career- focused, man bashing "I don't need anyone but me" woman.

This is the woman who chooses to pursue a career instead of family all in the name of 'feminism'.

I'm not saying that women shouldn't pursue a career, but I am saying that choosing the life of a career woman doesn't make you any more 'feminist' than those women who choose to spend their days at home with their young.

Ironically, it seems to me that the institution of  feminism slashes at the core qualities that make womanhood so powerful.

Somehow women give power to men when they choose marriage and the taking of the man's last name.

Somehow women give power to men when women opt out of epidurals and other processes that make childbirth 'easier'. 

And women once again give power to men when they choose to stay at home with their children rather than further their careers.

Why is it such an either/or topic?

I have found my greatest empowerment in the observing the strength of my body during pregnancy and childbirth and I continue to be empowered in the daily grind of motherhood and wife-hood.

Too often I hear women slandering the inherently powerful aspects of womanhood all in the name of 'equality'.

To so many a feminist is someone who seeks to find power in what has traditionally been a 'mans world'.

And that makes the rest of us who opt out of the competition of the career world to focus on family,
women of weakness.

I find this shameful.

All other females in the animal kingdom seek FIRST the betterment of their young.

It's what comes naturally to them.

Why can't feminism include advocating for what inherently makes us women.

The ability to bear children and to mother them.

This is not to say that those who choose to not bear children or those who for some reason are incapable of bearing children are any less 'woman'.

I'm more advocating to re-think what makes a woman strong, powerful and truly feminist.

 I believe women have a strength and power that is uniquely and inherently ours. 

It does not go away if we choose to leave the world of careers and it does not go away if we choose to step into this world either.

We don't lose this power when we choose marriage or family.

We don't lose this power when we rely on our husbands for happiness or even financial stability!

We don't lose this power when we spend our days covered in baby slobber scrubbing cloth diapers and nursing our babe.
To fully live in a way that empowers you as a woman, you have to make sacrifices.
Too often I see "feminism" place priority on the needs/wants of the woman.
I fully believe that a woman's strength is most evident when she let's her compassion guide her to make to sacrifices for her family, community, etc.

I want to continue to advocate for equality for all women.

But I don't want this to be limited to women being equal to men in the work/political/educational world.

I also want women to truly live in equality with other women.

In our pursuits to be seen and treated as equals with the opposite gender, let us not cause division among ourselves.

Feminism is about the empowerment of ALL women --- 

regardless of political stance, religion or marital status.
I want to see feminism affirm the power and importance of the woman who is shaking up the political world, the woman who is saving lives in Afghanistan by offering quality medical care and the woman who lives in a small Midwestern town who is loving on her community and spends her days caring for her young.
The power of woman can be seen when she stands before the world as a powerful political leader making good changes in our world and it can also be seen when she stands before her children as a mother, loving them with a gentle ferociousness and powerfully caring for them.

That's equality.

A day in the life

One thing I've always known about myself is that I appreciate the little moments that make a day.

I have begun to do this even more through my new experience in motherhood.

We give too many moments the title of mundane.

Several times I have missed out on the joy of laughter and adoration because the moment seemed empty.

No moment is empty.

Each moment plays a role in the story of our lives and I don't want to miss out on even the smallest of moments.

This video brings me so much happiness.

First of all, it reminds me of my dog Zero.

Secondly, I find it amazing how much fun these dogs have discovered. 

I hope I can have as much fun in each moment as they dogs are having.
I think most people would enjoy life more if they took the time to truly experience everyday life. Those little often obnoxious moments is what makes each family unique and a little crazy.

I just want to share some very small stories that make my life what it is and makes my family who we are.

1. Zero and I are jogging partners and if there is snow on the ground, he has to stop jogging and roll in the snow at least 3 different times during our run.

2. Just last night during one of Emery's night time feedings, Ben woke up with us. Ben commented on how Emery's nursing sounds very similar to a zombie attack. This really is a great description of the noises she makes!

3. Zero is ALWAYS in the way. He is always at our feet in the kitchen and walking right in front of us whenever we are going out the door. Recently he found the most annoying things to do. Whenever Ben or I are stretching after one of our runs, Zero is right there biting at our every movement, trying to lay in our lap, licking our sweat or doing whatever obnoxious thing he can do to be in the way. We often yell at him when he does it, but we wouldn't want him to change. 

4. Ben and I just rearranged our furniture and now we have to walk around our futon to sit down on it. We must have put it in the most dangerous place. Several times now Ben and I have hit our leg on the corner of the futon as we go to sit down. We have shared in laughter at each other's pain.
5. Emery is already plotting schemes against her parents, or so it seems. She waits until we change her out of a wet diaper to a clean one and then she poops. We are using clothe diapers and she makes sure we have laundry everyday.
6. Ben is often wrestling with Zero to move him from Ben's side of the bed or spot on the couch.
7. Anymore Ben and I rarely find a moment for the two of us. Either Emery or Zero are in need of something, so we often find ourselves in 1 minute rests between the madness trying to just be together. We have found a few daily rituals that at least allow us to be together and laugh together.

These are just a few moments and experiences that create the fun, often chaotic Edwards home. 

A mother is born.

Throughout my life I’ve struggled with believing that I’m a woman of worth.

I’ve often felt inferior to other women.

I saw myself as a weak woman who was mediocre at best.

I was never smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough or feminine enough.

I have definitely been my toughest critic.

In an almost mystical way, the woman I see when I look in the mirror now seems to be just as she should be.

This seems to come from the most empowering experience I’ve ever had;

pregnancy and motherhood.

Throughout my pregnancy I witnessed my body do all the necessary actions to give life to another human.

I labored for hours on end to bring forth this new life and found strength I never knew I had in the process.

Now as mother, I witness my body once again provide for this child.

I have a new appreciation for my body and my spirit.

I have a new confidence in my womanhood.

When I lost the triplets last year, not only did I mourn the loss of their lives but I also lost some sense of my womanhood.

I think of my triplets often.

I think of them when I look at Emery’s sweet face.

I think of them when I hear Emery’s cry.

I wonder about them often.

Though they were very very young when we lost them, I still feel like I’ve known them for years.

However, I feel like I have finally found pieces of my womanhood that were stolen away from me when I lost my triplets.

I believe I found true empowerment.

True confidence.

I no longer feel the need to judge my body, because I’ve seen and experienced its abilities.

These abilities are sacred and beautiful beyond comparison.

I have gained confidence in my natural abilities to be a mother.

I thought I would be a nervous wreck when it came to taking care of a newborn, but I’m actually at peace.

Someone I trust myself.

Motherhood has made me feel stronger, sexier, capable.

Motherhood has also revealed the love of my Creator and my God in a way I’ve never seen.

I have never prayed this often.

I have never been so thankful.

I have never felt such a need to trust God.

I have never trusted God this much.

Knowing the love I have for my child and love God has for my child has shown me that I am loved just as much as my child is.

This is empowering.

I would have never guessed the journey to motherhood would have this effect.

I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to experience the magic of pregnancy.

And I am thankful that I am now experiencing the empowering role of Mother.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

Thank you, Creator of life, for entrusting this little girl to me and allowing me to experience the holiness of becoming a Mother. 

My birthing story

I believe the process of pregnancy is the most challenging, beautiful thing I have ever experienced.

Because of this, I would like to share the story of my daughters final entry into the world through her birth.

When I first discovered I was pregnant, I began to read and research all my options as a mother.

Birthing options were of high importance to me.

I wanted to birth at home, but unfortunately our insurance wouldn't cover a home birth.

I then found a small group of midwives who birthed with their patients at a local hospital. 

The hospital worked closely with the midwives and their patients to create a space ideal for natural birthing.

And this became my plan.

No induction, no medication, no interference, just my body doing what it knows how.

At 20 weeks pregnant we had to change our plans a bit.

We found out our child has a 2 vessel umbilical cord as opposed to a 3 vessel cord.

This meant that labor might be harder on our baby than most and therefore we were not going to be allowed to go past the 41 week mark. 

41 weeks came and no sign of baby.

We opted for a non-medicated way to induce called the foley bulb. This way I could labor at home as well.

The foley bulb didn't work.

We then opted to try a gentler medication to entice baby to leave the womb.

For this one I had to be admitted to the hospital and hooked up to monitors.

This medication only took a couple of hours to get things started, so we called our Doula and told her we think it's time.

However, after 11 hours of early labor I had not dilated or effaced. 

Although I was hooked up to the monitors, I was still able to stand, use a birthing ball, squat, etc through the contractions. I spent most of my labor on the birthing ball or standing and swaying my hips with each contraction.

The midwife then made the call that for the best interest of baby we need to start pitosin.

They started little bits of pitosin every half hour, and every half hour my contractions would get more intense and closer together. 

For the next 25 hours the pitosin was used to keep my labor going.

I was handling everything well and really enjoying the process.

My contractions were really intense, lasting for minute and about a minute apart, so my midwife checked to see if I was dilated more. I was only at 4.
So more pitocin flowed through my veins.

Once again, things began to get more intense.

It seemed like we were in this phase forever.

My midwife checked me again.

After hours of active labor, I was dilated to a 5. 

The midwife then broke my water.

And then I knew I entered "labor land".

Contractions were now 1 1/2 minutes long and 30 seconds apart. 

I continued to use the birthing ball, birthing stool, leaning on Ben all in hope that these positions would make baby come faster.

Somehow, I don't remember how, I ended up on the bed, laying on my side gripping the side rails of the bed so hard for each contraction.

I had to search deep in my soul to get through each contraction. 

I was shocked at the sounds that came from me, but those noises helped me cope with the pain as much as I could.

After about an hour or two of contractions this strong, the  midwife asked me if I felt the  need to push.

She kept asking me this and I kept saying, no.

The contractions were showing that we were at the end of labor, so my midwife checked me once again.

I was stuck at 5 cm.

When I heard that I was only at 5 cm, I begged Ben to get me some kind of pain medication.

He kept saying, "you can do it", just like I told him to tell me if I started begging.

The midwife then pulled Ben to the side and told him what she thought was best at that moment.

Apparently my baby's head was titled slightly towards one hip and therefore not putting enough pressure on the cervix to dilate.

This also explains the intense back labor I experienced through some of the labor.

The midwife said that we can continue to try this naturally, but from her experience that would increase our chances of needing a Cesarean.  Or we can try an epidural and see if relieving the pain will make me loosen up and start to dilate more.

We did the epidural.

They also began more pitosin.

Immediately I felt relieved. So Ben and my doula went to get food, my midwife left for a couple of hours and I tried to sleep.

However, about 30 minutes after the epidural went in I started to feel painful contractions again.

I also really felt the need to push.

I paged a nurse since I was alone in the room and when she came in she checked me and said I was only at 7 cm so I needed to avoid the desire to push.

That was so hard to do. The pain kept increasing so I told the nurse that I don't think the epidural is working.

They then tried giving me a stronger dose and it still didn't work.

Finally my midwife came back and the decision was made that we would have to retry the epidural.

In the process of doing a new epidural, we discovered that the hose from the from the first one was kinked.

Just my luck.

At this point I also noticed I was losing a lot of blood so I asked my midwife about it.

She said it's not typical to loose this much blood, but it's not a threat yet either, we just need to keep an eye on it.

After the epidural kicked in I slept for about an hour or two and my midwife came back in to check.

Finally she said the sweet words I was waiting to hear.

10 cm.

Time to push.

Throughout the pushing process, I began to feel the contractions again.

Apparently epidurals are not strong enough for my body.

Rather then them telling me when to push, I told them when it was time.

There were a few times when my babies heart rate went down substantially.

I then heard the nurse ask my midwife if she needed to get hold of the doctor who does Cesarean.

My midwife thought about it and said that this child is low enough that we can do this.

So they gave me some oxygen to help keep the babies heart rate up.

I felt each contraction and each push became more and more painful and relieving at the same time.

After 20 minutes of pushing, my darling daughter was finally born.

The midwife and nurse had a small session of worry as I continued to bleed unnecessarily after delivery.

When things were finally calm, I began to feel blissful.

I was so proud to have accomplished what I did but still disappointed that things hadn't gone has gently as I planned.

After delivery I began to deal with these emotions toward my labor experience.

I am still reliving the whole process and amazed that I experienced it.

Despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to labor and deliver naturally.

However, I did labor for 23 hours without pain medication and I did bring a beautiful new life into the world.

So that's mine and Emery's story.

A few days ago I was saying that I don't want to get pregnant again because of this experience.

But today, as I continue to bond with my daughter and our story, I can say that I look forward to attempting a natural labor the next time around and despite the outcome, I will be proud of myself. 

Birthsong

I heard something beautiful today.

Father Scott, as he smeared perfumed oil on my forehead in the name of anointing and divine influence, 

told me a tail of tradition in East Africa regarding the birth of a child.

When a woman in East Africa is contemplating becoming pregnant,

she will go off in solitude, often times finding a tree as refuge and she will sit, listen and wait.

The woman is waiting for a song to come her, a song that will be her child's.

She may hear the sounds of nature around her, she may hear her own heartbeat and breathing or she may experience rhythms, melodies and words arousing in her mind. 

What she is waiting for and listening for is a song that will uniquely belong to her child. Her child's birthsong. 

Once she has this song, she takes it to her husband.

She sings the song to her husband and they make love. 

Her husband now knows the song.

Once the woman is indeed pregnant she will teach the song to her Midwives.

Now, this woman, her husband and the Midwives know this child's birthsong.

Finally, during the birth of this child and as this child is entering the world, the Midwives will sing the song to the new little babe.

This child comes into the world hearing her own unique song that was crafted for her.

This child grows up knowing her own song.

So much beauty is wrapped in this story.

The mother begins to listen for the uniqueness that is her child before this child is even in the womb.

Although I have not written a song for my children, I have certainly thought of them and I believe I have experienced bits and pieces of them before they were in my womb. 

And imagine being this child.

Your song is learned by many before you even enter the world through birth.

You have your own melody, your own rhythm and your own words as you enter the world.

You grow up knowing this song that is uniquely yours.

Beautiful.

What if we offered all of our children their own 'birthsong'.

We made them aware of their influence on those around them.

We made them aware of their uniqueness.

We made them aware of their importance in the world, because no one else has their birthsong and this song was crafted specifically for them.

I have been attempting to find ways to do this as we prepare for the birth of our firstborn. 

I pray that the wonderful triune God continually guides me in this journey.

And may I remember that I too have a unique birthsong. 

November

For about two months now I've tried several times to sit down and write a blog that perfectly captures the stage of life I'm in right now. I've finally given up on that goal and decided to just let words fall out. We are now 33 weeks along in this pregnancy and a sense of anticipation and excitement is making abode deep in my spirit. We are preparing ourselves, our house, our dog and our community the best we can for the arrival of this child. However, both Ben and I know that no one is prepared for the wonderfulness this child is bringing into the world. This process has brought much with it. It's been painful at times, but mostly a it's been a mysterious beauty that has decorated every detail of our everyday lives. This process has brought us redemption. Witnessing our child grow from the size of a lima bean to a healthy, kicking and hiccuping baby has been the greatest miracle we have ever experienced. After we lost the triplets, we knew we wanted to get pregnant again, but this time we were not going to plan it out or aim for pregnancy. The moment we let go on of control, we became pregnant. We really took something from that experience. This pregnancy became even more redemptive when we discovered that although we were only carrying one baby, there were aspects about this pregnancy that were uncommon in singleton babies but common in multiples. With all of this also came this little ones due date -- November 11th. It was November 1, 2010 that we found out we lost our triplets. The rest of the month was miserable. Going through the physical and spiritual turmoil of a miscarriage destroyed the way I felt about autumn time and specifically the month of November. I remember thinking that November would never end. I am now learning to take a new look at this season and November. Sometimes Ben and I talk about how amazing it would be if we gave birth to this little one on November 1st -- a year after we lost our first babies. I guess we are getting closer to see if this actually happens!
It's been a long, challenging journey into motherhood. This journey has already shook me up and encouraged me to see life differently than I ever have. I don't think I would be able to describe exactly how this has happened but I can say that life is no longer a big picture to me. It's little things. The moments, the scents, the conversations that take place in one day are all I focus on at a time. Relationships with those around me, my community, my marriage, my family and friends, my dog have all become increasingly more important to me. Politics and debates have become more obnoxious to me. Slandering and divisive comments about people make me ache for more of Jesus. As I become engulfed in the most powerful love I have ever known, the love of a mother for her child, the more hate and unnecessary divides I see around me. And as this little one's birthday approaches, the more I feel the presence of God surrounded me and reminding me of what really makes life important. I cannot believe how close we are to meeting this little sweetheart. I am excited for the continuation of this pregnancy process -- for labor, delivery and finally looking the purest, sweetest image of God in the eyes. World, get ready, because of how much this baby has changed my life and the life of those in my mishpacha, I know this baby is bound to spread this love and joy to all corners of the world.

I got you babe.

For 22 weeks now I have been housing a growing infant.

Each day, week and month brings something new with it.

This past month contains the memory of the first time I felt this baby move.

And now, this child is constantly dancing in my womb.

It's astonishing.

I am grateful for all that I am experiencing with this pregnancy and this transition into motherhood.

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

However, there are times I feel I am being cheated.

At our 20 week ultrasound we were told that our baby had a 2 vessel umbilical cord as opposed to the normal 3 vessel umbilical cord. 

This happens in about 1% of pregnancies.

It can be can a sign of growth issues or anomalies.

Although everything with our child's organs and growth seemed perfect at 20 weeks, we now have to go in for ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy to make sure everything is progressing healthily.

If you research more about 2 vessel cords, it will come up with lots of negative possibilities.

Increased risk of pre-term labor, stillbirth, heart issues and low birth weight.

However, I am throwing all those negative possibilities out the window and enjoying this baby every day that I can. 

Our midwife is certain that this baby is fine, sometimes this 2 vessel cord thing just happens and perfectly happy, healthy baby is born.

No matter what, I am head over heels for this child already.

It just becomes challenging to see so many others experience healthy and normal, but it seems in most areas of my life, I experience the most absurd and abstract things.

I am learning to see this as beautiful as opposed to a nuisance.

And I am learning that there are so many things in life that plans don't need to be made for.

I have seen women who get pregnant, carelessly eat and drink things that could harm the baby, never take prenatal vitamins, do drugs, drink and do all the things a pregnant woman shouldn't -- and yet they carry their baby to term and deliver a healthy baby.

And I have seen women (and been one of them) who pays extra close attention to her health and well being during pregnancy and do all that she can to benefit her child, and yet she loses this baby she has already been mothering. 

At times this makes me angry, but most of all it makes me realize how little control we have over life.

And although I would never encourage such carelessness during pregnancy, I would encourage relaxing more and enjoying each moment as they come.

So this is my new focus as I "prepare" for motherhood.

To stop trying to be so prepared.

Motherhood happens naturally.

Life takes course and we can only alter little things here and there.

We are not directing the ship, we are just on it.

I'm not going to pretend to be some "adult" who has life figured out.

I am a child of God who needs to trust more and stop planning every detail of my life.

Therefore, I will take risks and allow life to surprise me.

I trust that there is nothing that I will experience that will be too much for me and my family and friends to take on together.

If my dear child is born with serious health concerns, I'm glad that it's to a family like mine and not a family that would abandon or mistreat or see this life as any less worthy.

Mother Teresa has said that God never gives us more than we can handle. 

So if it is indeed God giving me this challenge, I will take it on. 

I have enough love, joy and patience to be a superb mother to any child.

So here's to you, my wee one continually doing jigs inside your little home--

We love you uncontrollably and no matter what, full health or some struggles, we got your back.