Puppies are like babies

This little guy has been a bright bright light in my darkest moments.

Although I have never experienced having a child with me and the responsibility that comes with it, I have a good idea of what feelings come when this responsibility takes over your life.

Puppies are like babies, in that way.

This little guy depends on you to feed him, tell him where to sleep, train him wrong from right, play with him,

cuddle with him, show him love and watch him grow and become independent.

I am already consumed with worry and pride.

I worry about his health, strength and well-being all day, especially when I'm not around.

I fill with pride when I take him to the dog park and he is the best behaved puppy there. He's the most gorgeous puppy I have ever seen. I am so proud of how he did at the Vet, how he plays with other pets and people, how he is being housebroken seemingly easy and how he is always at my feet. 

As I wait to experience a full-term pregnancy and deliver a baby into this world, 

this little guy keeps me more than occupied.

I have always believed in the goodness of all creatures.

This little pup is showing me the love of Jesus unlike anything I've experienced.

I am glad this pup, Zero, is now a part of our family and will be around to welcome home little human babies someday in the future. 

Thank you Zero, for being mama's boy and letting me love you. 

Just a change of time

Once again, music has a way.

It's mystical but frequent.

This song makes my sorrow seem a little less heavy.

I lost my babies, but it's just a change of time.

I will see them at a different time, that's all.

It's just a change of time.

I will have children with me here on Earth.

It's just a change of time.

Time is fickle and meaningless.

Plans are out the window.

Because these things will happen in time. Not the time I planned, but these things will come to life.

Just a change of time.

Day by day, that's how I am living now. I do not know when or if I will get pregnant again. I don't know what my plans for work are when and if I deliver a baby. I do not know what I will name my children, I just want to see and hear their heartbeat first.

Time.

Oh how I've learned patience.

Just a change of time.

That gives me hope.

Thank you, Josh Ritter, for so wonderfully writing what I feel.

He seems to put my chaotic emotions into poetry.

And to my three musketeers - It's just a change of time. We will all be together.

The fullness of eternal life

Yesterday Ben & I went on the normal routine to check our mail.

We got some tax information, credit card offers and one envelope from St. Anthony's Central Hospital.

Both of our hearts dropped when we saw the envelope.

Just seeing the name of the place that we received our prenatal care brought back memories.

Fear was also present as we opened the envelope, it might another bill from the d&c or it might be information regarding my health.

Shockingly, it was none of the above.

It was as follows:

We invite you, your family, and friends to join with others in a shared memorial service to celebrate the life of Baby Edwards'

and others who have been called to the fullness of eternal life.

Thursday, February 17

7:00 pm

Chapel (First Floor)

Immediately tears swelled in my eyes and I saw sadness slowly control my husbands face.

Although we had done our own memorial for our babies,

 we still cannot turn down this offer to share with others the pain of losing little ones.

So we will be there, rehashing our pain a bit, which helps us not forget our three musketeers.

So if you are around and would like to be a  part of this, you are more than welcome to join.

After I read this invitation, I went back to our cozy little apartment and began to write a few things and this is all I could seem to write about:

Everyday I wonder.

I wonder what their faces look like.

I wonder about their laughs, cries and coos.

I wonder about the sparkle in their eyes.

I wonder what games they are playing together in their beautiful world.

I wonder if they are best friends.

I wonder if they ever feel my love from this lonely planet.

I wonder if Jesus has given them names for me and if they are the names that appear in my dreams.

I wonder how old they will be when we are all reunited.

I wonder what their hugs & kisses will feel like.

I wonder so often about you.

I miss you three with every moment of every day.

I cannot wait to end this wondering and finally hold you all in my arms and say your names with my very own breath and hear you respond with "I love you mom."