The dry season

I have been meaning to write for awhile but I've struggled with how to effectively communicate this season I am  currently experiencing.

However, I came across this picture which seems to capture the place where I am.

I feel as if I am stuck in a dry place.

Yet this place is meant to be overflowing, but somehow it's empty.

I could chose to leave such a dry place, but I don't.

Instead I wait and I hope.

I love that the man in this photo is holding an umbrella.

It's like he's saying, "yeah, it's a dry place right now, but wait for the floods".

This is right where I am.

The place I am in is seemingly empty and without life, 

but give it time. 

I hold onto hope knowing that the place I am will once again be overflowing.

Since the miscarriage I have felt this way.

I still am hopeful to experience a healthy pregnancy, but I bring that hope from a place that is dry and lifeless.

This "dry" season has made me realize how much I am past dweller.

I am not much of a future thinker.

I enjoy remembering.

This makes mourning an exceptionally long process for me.

While I've been in this season I have mourned the loss of my three babes.

I have mourned the loss of my own childhood, because of my transition into adulthood.

I have mourned the way life once was, before I knew the pain of losing loved ones.

I am missing being a child and the memories that taunt me so sweetly.

I am missing my first summer of marriage. The sweetest summer I have ever known.

None of this is to say that I am unhappy with my life now.

I am still creating beautiful, wonderful memories with my husband, family and friends everyday.

But they haven't become memories yet, so I can't seem to romanticize them as much as I do memories of old.

My love for memories is one of things that makes me most excited to raise children.

I look forward to creating memories for my children.

I am thankful for the memories my family created with me.

And I dedicate my journey from the dry season to the overflowing one to you and all that I associate with you -- Kansas, thunderstorms, corn on the cob, gardens, goats and horses, chocolate covered pretzels and pumpkin seeds, the Grand Ole Opry, chopping wood, cucumber salad, fishing, ice cream dates with grandpa, breakfast with the g-parents and fireworks over Rocky Pond.